I've wanted to write about burgers for a while. I've written about sandwiches before, but the average burger is something every American can look at and easily go "yeah I know what this means". Many people have probably already dissected and even trisected the concept, ingredients, and general techniques before, but I want to give it a try as well. Therefore, here is my breakdown of every burger topping that I can think of.
Let's start with the two things that are absolutely required. The burger, and the bun. The bun can really be two pieces of any bread, but most go for a bun that is specified and shaped for burgers. A basic bun is usually made from wheat bread, at least I think it is, but you can have more complicated buns - put some sesame seeds on top, make it brioche, or make it out of pretzel instead. The sesame seed bun seems to be America's #1, followed by the aforementioned pretzel bun, and then whatever sliced bread you've got in the kitchen since you ran out of actual buns. I always thought that brioche buns complimented homemade burgers much better than it did store-bought, fast food, or even fancy restaurant burgers.
Besides the bun, you've got the burger. Some refer to it as the patty, and in a culinary context I absolutely do too, but beyond such a thing, it's the burger. This is usually a puck of ground beef, but you can really grind up any animal or anything to make a burger out of it. The possibilities are worth exploring. I've had turkey burgers many times, they've very good. Vegan burgers are often black beans and other vegan items, and if you can find a good one of those it's also quite delicious. (If you require meat, the fake ground meats are very close to the real thing. Science is incredible.) I think I've had a bison burger before on vacation but my memory fails me on the specifics. There's a lot out there.
A company may opt for square burgers instead of circles to be all gaudy and showoff-ish and say "we don't cut corners", but it's likely that the actual reason is that squares are easier to cut from a sheet than circles, which makes mass production less difficult. This does not prevent them from being tasty. However, varying the shape too much may change the feasibility of being able to actually eat the thing.
That's all you technically need to make a burger, but let's be completely honest with ourselves: if we stopped here, even with the possibilities we already have, burgers would be absolutely dreadful. You'd never eat an imperfect burger, and you probably wouldn't eat the perfect ones either. Meat and bread and nothing else is just plain boring. You've gotta have flavor, spice, a little je ne sais quoi, or some other phrase that implies something worth experiencing. Let's move on to the toppings.
In my mind, there's a selection of toppings that truly encapsulate the burger experience, and the first and most necessary is the cheese. There's a lot of cheeses to choose from. American, Swiss, Provolone, Camembert, Bleu, and Colby Jack all come to mind immediately, but there's way more than that. If you can slice it, spread it, or melt it, you can burger it for the most part. That being said, some people really love this stuff and go way too far with how cheese is utilized. Never underrate the humble cheese slice. It's what raised you on cheeseburgerdom.
Another one that I find necessary is bacon. Slap a few strips on and you've got a specific saltiness that adds to everything. Not everyone finds this important, and I can definitely go without, but it always adds to the experience for me. That being said, bacon can vary wildly in texture by how it's cooked and how long since it's been cooked. This is a feature of bacon that must be used carefully, as some results work much better than others on a burger. None of it is bad, but it's all noticeably different.
Next, pickles. Honestly, it's hard to make this complicated. You've either got pickle slice tokens on your burger or you don't. People are often requesting for there to not be pickles, and somewhat less often asking for there to be added pickles. I opt for them if they're there, but I don't request them if they're not there by default. Pickles are divisive, and even with them not being my favorite, they're the most burger mainstay a vegetable can be in my mind.
There is at least one exception to this binary, as there usually is. Specifically, I'm talking about a different style of pickle slice. Smaller pickles can be cut longways, rather than into tokens, and still fit on a burger just fine. I've seen this a couple of times, it's not groundbreaking but it's a neat change of pace.
And of course, I must acknowledge the small group of people who intentionally don't ask for no pickles, and then remove them off the burger themselves. Pickle slices can be very juicy, and the flavor can't be beat if you're looking for it, but some people just don't like the way they crunch. This pickle removal technique lets the juices and flavor of the pickle insert itself into the burger, but still avoids the pickle specific crunch. It's a very smart move.
We're going to talk about lettuce now. This comes to mind when I think of standard burger toppings, but honestly it can be left out. It doesn't do much for flavor, if it adds texture it's barely there, and when it's VERY noticeable I don't like it. Such a small amount of payoff for the effort and inherent risk. That being said, I am a man of pop culture obedience, and you can't talk burgers without this leafy green. When I picture a burger, it's got lettuce.
We should replace lettuce with spinach. It does all the same bare additions, but the risks are gone, and it's got better vitamin distribution. I've always said this about spinach.
How about a more important burger vegetable? Let's talk tomatoes. The most common addition is a beefsteak tomato slice of some level of thinness, but you can do other tomatoes as well. If you've got a smaller tomato, just add more slices. It works, it's good, and it allows me to imply that you can put cherry tomatoes on a burger without issues. Tomatoes add good texture and flavor to the classic burger. Refreshing is the best word to describe it. It's refreshing.
I don't have much tomato experience, if I'm honest. However, I've got great onion experience. God, I love onions. If you want to talk about refreshing, the vaguely biting flavor of a good onion slice absolutely slams for that. There's like 50 types of onions and they all work. Most places opt for a yellow onion, and I approve of this choice. It's a great safe choice that more people will enjoy. If you wanna get a little wild, red onions have more bite to them, and they're great on burgers as well. Raw, sauteed, caramelized, whatever you do, you really can't go wrong with onions.
Finally, on the range of classics, you've got condiments. Ketchup and mayonnaise are the mainstays, with mustard not far behind. I've always been a proprietor of sauce, so this must not be skipped out upon. Even the best burger can seem a bit dry without our trusty condiment friends. That being said, you have more options than our top three. Horseradish, barbeque sauce, and thousand island are also popular choices, although the latter is usually combined with something else to make a "special" or "house" sauce.
That's everything that I consider to be normal, typical, iconic, or otherwise default to a good burger. However, it is also possible to put something unimportant on a burger, and many unimportant things are worth discussing. That's half of what I do with my articles anyway. Let's keep going!
Let's start with eggs. While there's definitely breakfast sandwiches that have some sort of "egg" puck, in this case I'm talking about slapping down a whole fried egg, burstable yolk and all. This is usually something that'll pop up on a "breakfast" burger, but let it be known that I don't trust the person who has a burger for breakfast. These "breakfast" burgers are for a breakfast-for-dinner situation only. And they're very messy.
If we're talking about breakfast, let's get wilder. Replace the buns with halves of a frosted donut. Now we're truly escaping the inner sphere of burgerdom. There was a restaurant near me (I think it was called Tom & Chee) that's closed now, but they did this. Donut half, burger, cheese slice, donut half, then cook it like a grilled cheese. It's actually VERY good, although it is incredibly heavy. The burger was an addition to the donut grilled cheese, which they actually sold by the baker's dozen as an eating challenge. I don't think anyone ever tried it while that location was open. I think the property is a candle store now.
While we're doing ridiculous things with burgers, I have to mention the Deep Fried Camembert Burger That Erupts When You Take A Bite. This was a viral sensation that one Twitter account about food just kept posting repeatedly, even a couple years after the original restaurant closed down. It's a disc of camembert cheese that's deep fried and melted, so it's got the deep-fry shell that pours out all the melted cheese when you bite into it. The cheese is still incredibly hot, so it burns your mouth. I already said this, but: never underrate the humble cheese slice. This deep fried cheese puck thing is way too much.
Oddly, despite everything, there's something to be had here. Not deep fried, not a big disc, and definitely not so hot it burns your mouth, but melted liquidy cheese on a burger has precedent - nacho cheese. Honestly, I've never been a fan of nacho cheese. It's like D tier cheese and very messy on a burger. I don't find it worth the struggle in this situation. I's definitely got more legs than the Deep Fried Camembert Burger That Erupts When You Take A Bite though.
Let's get back to earth. Mushrooms have multiple burger applications. You can take some small ones, slice them, and use them on a burger such as a mushroom and swiss. This is a classic non-standard play that I've never gotten into - I'm not a fan of cooked mushrooms. You can also grab the cap off of a large mushroom and use that instead of a burger. You can also use it along with a burger, but I've actually never seen this done as the mushroom cap is usually meant as a vegan stand-in for a burger.
Still in the realm of demi-vegetables here: we've talked about pickles, but how about pickle CHIPS on a burger? Pickle slice tokens that have been breaded and fried. They're good on their own, put em on a burger. Wendy's did this for a promotional burger once, and it was pretty good. There's a couple other appetizers out there that this has been done with. Fries, onion rings, mozzarella sticks, mac and cheese wedges. Put a fried thing on a burger. It works every time.
And if we're talking about pickle chips, we gotta talk about regular chips. Potato chips on a burger. This is actually relatively uncommon - the sister foods sandwich and hotdog (aka sandwich) are more likely to have potato chips, but you can put them on a burger too. It's an incredibly good option if you really, REALLY want your burger to have a crunch. Kettle chips are an especially tasteful choice here, and they're just the superior chip in general.
Since we're on potatoes, we're still on my definition of vegetable. I know, it's a bad definition, I get hate mail every day about it, all of which is from my mom. Either way, I can use that fact to transition to avocado. Avocado fits a "breakfast" burger better than the egg does. It's a genuinely good addition, and I understand exactly why avocado or guacamole items are always priced higher - they're good, avocados are expensive, and I will pay for them. I've seen several variants of this: avocado slices, avocado spread, and full-on guacamole.
Now we've gone in a generally tex-mex direction, so I've got one final item to talk about: jalapenos. We're ending on a whimper here, as I've never been a fan of them. I'm very particular about spicy food - not necessarily preferring less spicy things, but more a specific kind of spicy. Jalapenos don't do that, so I don't eat them. They do show up on burgers, so it's worth mentioning.
That's every burger topping ever. I mentioned all of them, it's impossible to put anything else on a burger. I've tried, you can't do it. In conclusion, you can put a lot of things on a burger. That's all I have to say. There is no deeper meaning here. I hope you enjoyed.